Sunday, April 7, 2013

The Five Most Unusual Female Subjects of a Fawning Love Song.

Another list. This time a top five.

We've all heard them before, the song by the rock band or the boy band that fawns over the love a precious woman who is incredibly beautiful and stunning and wonderful. The song that takes an otherwise normal human being, perhaps named 'Edie' or 'Sherry' and puts that woman on a pedestal, lifting her up with music, and praising the gods that made her. Sometimes these songs are great, sometimes not so much.
Well, this is a list of the best of a more unusual type of fawning love song. One where the female subject is perhaps... not so statuesque.

5) Whole Lotta Rosie: It isn't often that a song is written describing a sexy woman as having a few extra pounds, but AC/DC's very best song dedicated to a woman is the one about the inimitable and heavy-set Rosie. Having a few extra pounds make Rosie no less the lover, though. Excuse the pun, but Whole Lotta Rosie is both one of the heaviest and coolest of AC/DC's repertoire of riff-based straight-ahead rock and recognizable from the opening riff. A favourite among fans, and still an integral part of their live concerts. I would say that an AC/DC concert isn't quite complete without a visit from beloved 'Rosie'.

4) Maggie May: Rod Stewart's hard-rocking days with the Faces and Jeff Beck Group don't come up often in conversation anymore. The once wild front-man has since become a tame version of himself, singing sappy stuff that invites married ladies to buy his CDs as a way to rekindle the romance. But one romantic song crosses over from his wild days to now, and that was the song about an older woman and a younger man called Maggie May. I have not yet heard any other song quite like it, and I don't expect to. In the current world of corporatized music and video, young and old don't mix, it seems. But maybe that's what makes this song so special. It's both romantic and taboo at the same time.

3) Charlotte the Harlot: Iron Maiden wrote two songs about a woman named Charlotte. The songs were apparently based on a real-life prostitute from East End London who (supposedly) stole the hearts of at least two members of the band. Such rumours have gone unsubstantiated for years, but the band and certain ex-members are believed to be protecting Charlotte's true identity. Later, on the Number of The Beast album, the follow-up song 22 Acacia Avenue tells the story of how Charlotte is rescued from her seedy situation and taken away to a better place. In this first song, however, our poor hero's heart is broken by Charlotte, who makes her ends as a 'bloody whore'. Nevertheless Charlotte is still beloved by the band and their fans as well.

2) Lola: The Kinks wrote one of the most legendary (and perhaps one of the most famous) fawning love songs about .... a man. It's true, and yes, I'll wait while you go look up the lyrics to prove it to yourself, (Copyright prevents reprinting of lyrics) but Lola is a man. The reason that so many never realized that Lola is a man is because everyone sings along with the chorus, but no one seems to pay much attention to the verses. Without using any supposedly 'filthy' words, the lyrics suggest some fairly kinky behaviour, and they really got away with it, way back in the late sixties, when all of this was not the sort of subject matter that most people expected.

---> So, at this point your saying to yourself: "BIG DEAL! So what? So what if your girlfriend is a little heavier, a little older, a prostitute, or even a man! This is a modern 21st century world, and she could be all those things at once and you might still take her home to meet the parents after the first date!"

Well, all I can say to you is: Leave it to Alice Cooper to go one step too far.

1) Cold Ethyl: How in the world this song made it onto national television without so much as a bleep is beyond me. And yet somehow, in the late seventies, Alice Cooper performed his entire album Welcome to My Nightmare on a televised special that included a song about making love to a corpse! How did they miss it? It says so right in the song! Ethyl's dead!

PS: Mrs. Robinson is not in this list, for one simple reason, while the movie the Graduate contained a Mrs. Robinson who was an older woman who had an affair with a younger man, the truth is that the song Mrs. Robinson by Simon and Garfunkel contains no such amorous relationship, nor the suggestion of it. I've looked through the lyrics, and isn't there. So here's to you Mrs. Robinson, jesus blah, blah, blah,....nothing. Nada. Sorry. No go.